Make no Misteak about it

Beefsteak. A word that strikes fear, envy, and hunger into the hearts of men.

This Saturday I traveled with a group of adventure-minded carnivores into the wilds of Bergenfield, New Jersey. A quick Zipcar trip over the GW Bridge brought us to the world of sweatpants, white sneakers, and volatile EKGs.

Tipped to the longstanding North Jersey Beefsteak tradition by the newspaper of record, we vaguely new what to expect. All you can eat beef tenderloin, dipped in butter; all you can drink soda and beer; french fries; stacks of grease-soaked bread slices; good times.

The event starts with a perfunctory iceberg lettuce salad (skipped by me in favor of reserving valuable beef-tank space), and some pretty solid pickles and black olives. Ten minutes later the first batch of thick-cut fries hit the table, followed closely by our inaugural visit from the beef tray--an oversized baking sheet stuffed with thinly-sliced grilled tenderloin atop baguette slices. Thanks to our Beefsteak veteran tablemates, we knew better than to eat the bread--instead you pool your group's slices in the middle of the table as an archaeological remnant of your bovine-ingesting efforts.

The beef does not stop coming until the diners give their final dismissal (or the room's collective sodium level reach code red). At this point, the evening's entertainment began. A local comedy-hypnotist took the stage, along with my buddy Mark, a willing volunteer, to put on a wholesome family show. One would think that after providing the attendees with about 4,000 calories of beef and fries each, the food availability would cease for the hour-long show. But then one wouldn't be thinking like a true Jersey Beefsteak host. About twenty minutes into the show, plates of cheese puffs, Doritos, and pretzels arrived on paper plates, and, alas, we polished them all off.

I really can't recommend the Beefsteak enough. The admission was only $35 (could you even get all-you-can drink Bud for three hours in Manhattan for $35?), the crowd was a lot of fun, the beef was real tasty, and the money went to support the local volunteer firefighters. A patriotic and gluttonous success all around.

[Special thanks to Fidel Gastro for the photos]