How Now, Down Cow?

There are some days when I am not proud to be at the top of the food chain. The Humane Society has released video footage of the treatment of sickly cows known as "downers." Rather than euthanizing these cows, ranchers resort to extreme measures to get them to stand in order to pass USDA inspection, which means they wind up in the food supply, which means these cows will exact their revenge on unsuspecting diners. I'm hopeful that this investigation will put these ranchers out to pasture. How could you be such a jerk to cows? They're responsible for 50% of the food groups. Seriously.